This weekend Keith has broken a little. He has been sleeping a lot and sleeping scares him: he finds it hard to tell if his body is slowing or if it is his mind that is pulling him down. It's been a while since the last chemo (it's only once every three weeks now) which means he worries more when he has pain/nausea/fatigue, and when Keith worries he really worries and makes himself feel even worse. I will hazard a guess that there's a bit of both going on (there's the conjecture for you) but it is wearing him down either way. When I have managed to drag him out he has struggled with being out...he is finding it increasingly hard to be surrounded by able bodied healthy people. There's no resentment there, none at all and this doesn't apply to our friends, it applies to the healthy runners/surfers/pub goers/dog walkers that surround us. It is so so very hard for him to see all these active bodies and know his is becoming less and less so. Mentally this has a huge impact. I see him at home as a shadow of his former self, and he knows it and it is breaking him. He has given up a little this weekend. Just ever so slightly, a minor degree shift has taken place, and we are in a tougher place as a result.
Kids are feeling it I think, but then that's inevitable. They are still astonishingly brilliant but I refuse to hide all the truth from them. We still talk regularly about dying and the things that surround it, like burial. Expressing this sort of thing in words they understand is a tricky yet worthwhile exercise. As I've said before, we don't talk about death enough in this society.
Gosh, that's all a bit heavy isn't it? On entirely the other side of the coin I am throwing an absolutely stonkingly brilliant party soon because as I have said previously I love parties and channeling emotional energy into balloon arrangements can provide remarkable results both for the balloons and my emotions. Keith continues to take great comfort and joy from the emails and messages he receives, whether he responds to them or not be assured he absorbs them. There have been some truly remarkable messages too - I fully intend to print them out and bind them together for the girls to read one day. So much love sent in words. Powerful stuff.
Yeah, not a great one this week folks. Below is a picture of Keith and Floz after I dragged him out on Saturday afternoon. The purple hat is pretty well known in this area and now famous on the internet, which is the whole world in fact, so I will now name this the #worldfamouspurplehat and I'm going to make it a thing. Love you the internet. Laters friends xxxxx
