7th November 2013

Well. I'm highly aware it has been a while since my last update: the radio silence a result of too much and too little to tell you. 

It has been a tough few weeks, this new chemo regime Keith is on almost completely destroys him mentally and physically so it means that for two weeks out of three he is suffering. The physical debilitation I can take: the tiredness, sleepiness and nausea - none of these symptoms are new to us, the cancer was driving a lot of this sort of thing before diagnosis. What I struggle to take is the mental pressure it pushes on him, and the sapping of his very 'Keithness'. That bit drives me insane. He is still there and is still him, but it is so sad to see him effectively a shadow of his former self. I'm sorry to sound so bloody negative, but it's a truth. One thing that is helping him immensely is work. He's still doing some bits of writing for telly here, some bits of sheer brilliance, and when he does those he's himself again. He is the Keith I used to watch in the TV gallery, or in the radio studio, directing the talent and the content and making a thoroughly irreplaceable contribution. When I witness that it's fucking awesome. Hopefully he will be doing some writing over the Ashes this summer which will make him very happy and perhaps also provide me with some free tickets to go and swear at Australians, which, fundamentally, is the very reason I came here in the first place. 

Of course, the saving grace in all this is that the kids have not been phased at all by the changes in Keith's appearance or mood. They still very much think of him solely as Daddy, and that in itself recentres the Bunker family. Although Florence will tell you that she goes to school, Darcey goes to school, Mummy goes to work and Daddy goes to hospital, so you know, it's kind of normal now. But even so, to them he still is everything they want and need and that is good enough for me.

This is the first week we haven't had house guests for about two months. It has been wonderful having visitors. It has also been a huge distraction. This week has I think been much harder for not having anyone else around. It's certainly been harder for Keith, although he is definitely enjoying being able to watch NFL any time between 9 and 3. There is a rawness that comes from being alone that is a little hard to bear: much is heightened, less can be hidden. Perhaps that is not a bad thing, I don't know, it is what it is. Everything feels very raw sometimes and as much as I like the idea of feeling something rather than nothing I'm not sure I agree with the practice. 

So I suppose I conclude somewhere in limbo: Keith stays on a regular chemo regime of which we will not know the real impact for a few weeks. I know I have been utterly rubbish at replying to messages recently: make no mistake, I absorb every one. Thanks kids, speak soon xxxx