What he says

This is how it goes.

I say, I think I've changed my mind, I think I want an indoor palm tree instead of a suit of armour. He says, get two. He says, this house, it feels good to be in this house. He says, I can move from room to room, be in each one so easily: there are high ceilings, big windows. I can be in this house, it's a good house, it's good we're in this house.

He reads messages, emails, from old friends, new friends, friends he hasn't seen for a long time. He cries when he reads them. He says, I always wanted to be that person, who changes a room when they walk into it. I never thought I was, I never believed I was that man. He says, I realise now I changed peoples lives. I see how much of an impact I had on some people, they tell me I made that impact, they tell me I changed them. He says, I feel really proud of that: that's what I achieved, that's what I did and I am really proud of myself. 

Outwardly he shows little self pity; inside he crumbles. He says, why me, why my lungs? He never smoked - never drugs, no cigarettes. His breathing is becoming more laboured, he struggles for breath. When he sleeps it is shallow, older. The cancer, it is talking hold of his lungs. Stairs are hard, walking a struggle. He doesn't go out, much. He stays in, he moves from room to room. It's too hard. 

He says, what happened to me, what happened to my body? His abdomen is distended, inflated, his legs and feet swollen, painful. His clothes don't fit, his beautiful shirts, all too small, too tight. His liver has been taken over by tumours, it is dying, it can't cope. He says, I wish I had taken more risk. He means physically, he means more than just driving too fast and riding horses in Patagonia. He means, when I had a good body, a functioning body, why didn't I take more risks? He says, I see people doing that in photos and on television and I envy them their ability to take that risk. He looks in a mirror and he is disgusted, distraught. His dying body.

We talk about his funeral. He says, make it for the girls. He says, make sure there is no black, don't scare the girls, absolutely no black. He tells me who he doesn't want to come. We joke about his funeral. He thinks about it, he is producing it, he cries. He cries a lot.

The girls say, is Daddy going to die today? When is Daddy going to die? What will happen when Daddy dies? Darcey asks, does Daddy have to die? Florence says, I don't want to talk about Daddy dying.

He says, when I'm gone you're going to have to be strong, and when you're not feeling strong, put on a suit of armour, and pretend to be strong. He says, you can do anything, you have so much opportunity. He says, you are amazing.

He says, when I am gone, you must teach the girls, you must show them there is so much good in the world. There is so much beauty, so much wonder. He says to me, don't be scared of being happy. Don't be afraid to be happy. Seek happiness. He says, celebrate the good. Strive to be happy. He says, it will be hard to be happy but there is so much to be happy for. He says you have so much of your life to live, so many wonderful people around you. Don't be scared of being happy. Be happy. He says, celebrate the good, you and the girls, seek happiness.

I say, I will, I will do that. I will celebrate the good. I will strive to be happy. We will do that. We will do it for us, and we will do it for you.

That is how it goes.

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